The Maze of Finding a Live Person on the Phone
Monday, March 31st, 2008Is waiting on hold your favorite pastime? Do you like navigating through the endless maze of menu options while trying to call a company? What a blast!
I have had some nightmarish experiences of waiting of trying to reach live human beings. It seems they are in short supply. In this modern world of computer automation live human beings have been replaced by senseless, generic, pre-recorded messages. Yes, we’re just too expensive to hire anymore.
I can imagine the company’s decision process when it comes to managing their customer service. Investors pressure the company’s managers to cut costs and streamline for maximum efficiency. VPs turn to the customer service managers for cutbacks. They decide to put in a more ’sophisticated’ phone answering system in order to minimize the amount of actual calls received. They think ‘if we just put in enough options and information upfront, why would they need to speak to us?’ And after a lengthy meeting in their conference room, the managers also decide that it would be a novel idea to mention their website URL at least 10 times during the hold process. Perhaps customers don’t yet know they have such a website. ‘Maybe if they find the website they would avoid calling us altogether!’
For me, I only call when I need to speak to a live human being and never call for any other occasion. If the situation didn’t require a call, I wouldn’t be calling. I don’t want to waste my time either. And of course we already know about their stupid company website. We call customer service because we already exhausted all other resources.
Unfortunately, it takes a skill, like the skill of an experienced sailor, to navigate through the rough waters of the automated phone system. Remember, the system is designed so you will fail- that you WILL NOT find the cheese at the end of the maze. Their management doesn’t want you to talk to the live person- because it is inefficient for them. More calls means they have to increase staff and resources, which affects their bottom line. ‘If we can only offer them less customer service without sacrificing profit, we’ll be doing good.’
After calling, my strategy of connecting to a live person is usually pressing the zero button several times. This seems to work in a majority of cases.
But this doesn’t work for Sallie Mae. Sallie Mae is perhaps the worst automated phone system in existence. They seem determined not to speak to you. Here’s a sample phone call:
1. Call 1-888-272-5543
(automated answer)
2. Do you want to continue in English?
[come on, are you serious? You're asking me in English if I want to continue in English? 96% of people in the U.S. speak English and it's the national language, so it's a pretty good bet that's what I'd like]
3. If a customer press 1. Otherwise press 2.
4. Enter your nine digit account #.
5. We’re sorry, we didn’t get that. Please re-enter your account #.
6. Please listen to our 7 options, as our menu has changed…
[menus always change because they don't want us to memorize the path to a live person. They keep changing the maze!]
7. (Recording slowly speaks all 7 options and none apply!) or to repeat the menu press 9.
8. (more menu options [none apply]), for more menu options, press 5
9. (more menu options [none apply]), for more options, press 5
10. (press 0) for customer service
11. Our office is currently closed. Please call back during regular business hours. (click)
Meanwhile, until you reach a live human being, your monthly bill still remains incorrect- with those extra finance charges happily holding on, until one day, you might speak to a live human being and get it straightened out.
And you can rest assured that when/if you ever do get to the goal of the live person, that he/she’s sole purpose is to get off the phone with you. Because the more time spent talking to you, the more waste, and higher company overhead.
With this strategy in mind, the company decides it is best to outsource all live people. They don’t need to live in the U.S. or even have American English accents. Indian contractors will work just fine. Anything for protecting our corporate profit. Usually this person is only trained to handle bare minimum account inquiries. Anything requiring adjustment or correction will have to be transferred back to an actual customer service manager back in the United States, requiring even more hold time on your part. And if you’re lucky you might get disconnected and have to start all over again.
On hold for 10 minutes, 25 minutes, 45 minutes? No problem. They have to watch their bottom line, you know.
Sallie Mae’s automated phone system seems worthless. Another kind feature is that if you press zero too many times, they will automatically disconnect you. Maybe they don’t want to deal with anyone too ‘impatient’.
Other companies that are similarly worthless when it comes to customer service include:
1. Ebay (forget it- they aren’t available)
2. Amazon
3. Citibank
4. Bank of America
5. Comcast
‘We are currently experiencing a heavy call volume, please hold while connect you to the next available representative…’
…yeah whatever.